How To Ask Questions That Build Confidence, Knowledge, and Wealth

I’m not sure there’s a skill out there as rare as asking questions.  It doesn’t make sense if you think about it.  We don’t hesitate to ask Google and Alexa anything that comes to mind, but we avoid that in front of friends, families, and coworkers for some reason.

Learning to ask questions the right way:

• Helps grow your career,
• Usually makes you look smarter (even if you aren’t)
  
• Makes small talk much less painful (you’ll immediately become more fluent in speaking “person”)

Living in a question-oriented mindset will liberate you from making other people’s opinions more important than your own happiness while also boosting your social cred.

Basic dialog is an art with a hint of science.  Think about it.  Context and timing (art) is just as important as phrasing (science). 

It would be weird if you were hours-deep in a discussion about parenting and ask, “so how are you?”.  Every question has a time and place.

There’s roughly four different question types: 

• Introductory… “How are you?”
• Mirror/response…”I’m doing really well now that it’s Friday!  How are you?”
• Follow-up… “Can you tell me more about what you meant when you said that good parenting is nurture over nature?”
• Topic Changing… “So how was the family vacation last month?”

Understanding the timing for each type of question will take a conversation from good to great. 

Questions are the foundation of almost every conversation.  Understanding how to elegantly maneuver topics opens the door to meaningful conversation. 

Why not make talking interesting? The best conversations are like a well-executed volley of questions, answers, and insights.  The highest communion of a good discussion is really just natural chemistry.  The type that effortlessly transforms five minutes into two hours.

It doesn’t have to be mysterious!  As challenging as it may be, there are proven strategies for getting better at dialog.

Practice empathy by focusing on the other person.

It’s easier to focus on ourselves while  others talk. 

Sitting.

Waiting

Wishing to butt in with our thoughts and be heard. 

Instead of zoning in on yourself, try lifting others with friendly interrogation.  Think about things the speaker finds interesting (you can usually find at least one) and transform that topic into a broad open-ended question.

If you’re at a potluck, for instance, ask for any great family recipes.  What’s the story behind it?  Who secretly doesn’t like it?  If you’re exercising, ask about the biggest secrets for making time to be active since it’s so hard to finish things we start.

Listen closely to every single word they say.

Put yourself in detective mode.  The case? Learning about the other person. 

Your one job is to make them talk about themselves. 

Ask broad questions that can’t be answered with yes or no.  Every answer they give is now a piece of evidence for you to uncover your next question.  Don’t interrupt – listen.

Listen to what they say and investigate its next layer. 

If they talk about keeping a regular exercising schedule, for example, hone in on that.

“You mentioned keeping a regular schedule.  How do you plan for the unexpected and still keep that level of discipline?”

The goal?  Let them peel back the answer-onion (is that a thing?).

You will strike gold if you eventually get them to talk about themselves (people love that).

Read the room (IMPORTANT).

I don’t want to suggest you just ask questions about the next related topic ad- nauseum, rather, use questions as the springboard for a rich conversation or feedback.  If you turned friendly interrogation into interrogation you need to bail (and consider an apology). 

If there isn’t any chemistry then start over with a topic changing question.

On the other hand, if you find something to talk about that lifts the conversation, stay there!  Questions are supposed to unlock meaningful discussion. Once you’ve found that, use other parts of your dialog skills (some of which are questions).

Learn new things.

In a less-than-social situation, you may find yourself asking questions to learn something new from a mentor or expert.  The context may already be set if you’re reviewing a topic together or they’re asking for feedback. This is where it’s important to craft follow-up questions that are:

• Specific
• Interesting
  
• Useful (most importantly)

The objective is less social and more learning-oriented. When you’re in learning mode, which might be a meeting, 1 on 1, classroom, or lecture, you can maximize your efficiency with the following practices:

• Humility.  Stop your obsession with being right or looking smart.  The question should be an earnest attempt (with no agenda) to learn something.  Humility is the fastest way to growth because it gets emotions and pride out of the way of progress.  Trying to look smart never made you any friends.

• Repeating information then following up.  Placing your question on the end of a repeated fact or figure adds context to the question and shows you were listening in the first place.  It also serves to validate what you heard and fuels growth and clarity on that topic.

• Asking one (or two) question (questions) at a time.  It’s easy to let things get out of control and release a flurry of different questions all at once.  Odds are good you won’t get answers on everything, especially if you jump around a lot.  Limit yourself to one question, (or one question with a follow-up) to allow the other person to focus on answering one thing at a time.
  

There are endless opportunities to practice asking questions.  Put down the phone.  Live in the social moments of life. 

We live in a world of digital obsession.  Our social lives have skyrocketed to a pixelated screen behind a filter.  When we are stuck we flock to Google to save us instead of sharpening our dialog with humility.  We’re scared to have the wrong answer (or no answer at all).

Google is successful because Knowledge is Power.  Relying on Google too much will soften our minds and dumb down our dialog.

Any questions?